Monday, 23 July 2012

What happens in Cancun....goes in a blog


Well apologies it's been so long since I last updated. When I left you hanging I'd just arrived in Cancun and had made some vague commitment to try and blog every day....well instead I drank pina coladas every day. Soz! Plus a week and a half later I've only JUST got over the jet lag - so now here I am. A lot of you have been asking me what went down in Cancun, so here's the highlights...


One night we went to Senor Frogs. Now this is a bar with a tattoo parlour and a water slide in it. Yes they're THAT responsible. Last time I was there I ended up with a tattoo, a gash in my leg and a waterlogged watch. I was determined not to repeat that mistake so instead I egged Susie on cos I'm a boss mate like that. She ended up shitting out of the water slide cos of the ladder but she fucked off to get a tattoo in the tattoo studio next to the bogs. Safe. While I waited for her downstairs I looked across the lagoon. Bad move. Girl standing alone merely attracts attention of the hotel entertainment staff AKA sexual predators. The tall lanky one sidled up beside me:
"Why so lonely?"
"I'm not lonely, me mates gone to get a tattoo. What's your name?" (diversion tactic)
"Horny Leonardo." (diversion tactic failed)
I politely explained that I wasn't interested, expecially in him showing me his cock and decided to teach him scouse instead. Five minutes later I had him walking up to people telling them he had a mazzy lash. I caught him a few days later telling someone by the pool that he had a massy lash, a few days later he was nowhere to be seen. We asked the entertainment manager where he'd gone and he told us Leo had been sacked for saying inappropriate things to guests. No mess. Oops...my bad!
This is what I think of Americans
Anyway back to Senor Frogs and we all piled on the dancefloor cos they were doin a competition on stage where 3 lads had to break a tshirt out of a block of ice, put it on then down a beer. First contestant: "Jason from Washington STATE!!! YEEEAHAAHH". Oh fuck off. Second contestant, "Randy from Jacksonville!" Now Randy was in full on 'American bellend psyching himself up' mode. I mean he was licking his lips, jumping up and down, cracking his neck and generally fidgeting. Calm the fuck down you little wankstain. He was the embodiment of why I hate Americans. Seriously, they may be alright on telly but in real life they're proper beauts. The third contestant was from Brazil, so naturally by default we were rooting for him. Unfortunately Jason from Washington STATE won and as the DJ held his hand high for a victory cheer the crowd went nuts, cheering and waving. Except for 2 scouse birds. As he stood there wooping at his own ice cracking prowess his eyes locked in on one solitary bird giving him the finger. Me. Then his eyes moved next to me where Susie was telling him to fuck off. His face fell and he started trying to front us from the stage "And what? And what??" So we took the abundance of limes out of our drinks and started pelting him with them. Liverpool 1, Washington State 0.
On the short walk back to the hotel a million taxi drivers stopped askin us if we wanted a lift. One of them screamed "Fuck you" when we said no and me and Susie screamed in unison "Chinga tu madre!!" (Fuck your mother) and a group of Mexican workies burst out laughing. Swearing is the first thing you should learn in any language.


Another night we ended up in Coco Bongos. Right here's the deal with Coco Bongos, everyone bangs on aba it like it's the best club in the world. It's not even the best club in Cancun. I blame couples who go on holiday to Cancun and only go out once (to coco bongos) cos compared to the clubs in england it is somethin a bit special like, but all the clubs in Cancun are the same. Coco's is nothing amazing, but what makes it THE WORST is the fact it has a 1200 person capacity and they pack 2000 people in every night. Rammed is not even the word. So there we were standing on a bench, gasping for a bevvy (NO channy of gettin near the bar and the waiters took a good half an hour to get the bar an back with ur drinks) and some Mexican SenWHORErita starts knockin her stool into Susie's legs. She asked her nicely to stop and could she put the stool under the table cos she wasn't sitting on it and the bitch drops down like she's at a kids party and the musics just stopped and started screaming at her in Spanish. Susie turned to me an goes "Av a word will ya?" I swapped places with Susie and asked "Que es su problema?" (What's your problem?) to which she replied "EVERYTHING!". Oh bitch it's on!!! I asked her to stop bumping into my mate only to turn round a minute later and find she's stood there with one arm held unnaturally high, holding her elbow in Susie's face. "Arrrr swap places with me raaaar now!" So I stood next to the slag and started doin the vicious elbow dance. Bitch didn't like that. So we started a Spanish slanging match and fronting each other. For the record I'm not normally a scrapper....
Anyways long and short of it the locals got kicked out. I explained to the hotel entertainment staff what had happened and he laughed and said "Who taught you Spanish??" 
"Me. But I learnt the swearwords from Mexicans."
"Why haven't I seen you round the pool? You're hot!". Oh for the love of god! Haven't you seen a scouse bird before? We're hotter than everyone.


There was a few nights that we didn't go out. Not through any fault of our own like! Ish. I sunburnt my fod one day an when I got in the room that night my nose and eyes had swollen up with all the fluid and I looked like a fuckin Avatar. Although obviously not blue. The next week Susan decided it would be a boss idea to eat pink in the middle pork from the restaurant (which I cleverly swerved) and ended up with food poisoning. WTF.
We went back the same restaurant the next week but we'd been kicked out the room by the maids a few hours before and thought it'd be a boss idea to get bladdered in the bar beforehand. I knew I was pissed when I went the toilet and started talkin to the China dog in reception. I can't really remember much of the meal except that we bailed halfway through and I went to the waiter "Ay mate, can I have my pork cooked tonight??"


One day we were sat round the pool and some couple was shaggin on the balcony totally unaware that the WHOLE pool area was watching them. In the end some security guard came up an shouted them and the bird darted inside. The fella came out and gave a bow the fuckin stud and the whole pool cheered. The. Shame.


Towards the end of the holiday we ended up goin out to Bulldog and got sat on the same table as some Geordie lads. These were the same bellends from the VIP lounge on the way who'd been playing the Baywatch theme on loudspeaker. They turned out to be sound though. Geordies and Scousers are on a similar wavelength when it comes to banter. We were windin them up askin them if they were a fridge or a freezer then goin "AAAAAHHHHHH UR A FRIDGE!!" when they said fridge. Proper mature behaviour like. Then we went back to the sports bar to play pool an they regaled us how one of them who wasn't exactly the brightest spark once tried to defrost a salmon over a candle and a lasagne in a conservatory. Hand to fod. Then we were assured roughly 300 times that we were "Good lasses."


All in all we had a boss time but we were ready to come home like cos we missed our fellas. How times have changed eh?


Inabit


@boobleyboo AKA @scousebirdprobs


xx

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